04 December 2006

morning feelings

after nps sovata 2006...
people ask me "how was it?" "how did u feel" "did u eat?" yeah..like that matters:)..and I stare at them or just keep quiet and ask myself those questions cause I don't remember answering to myself about them..I try to put it all together and to repaint that painting I have inside, I try to find the colours - they are many - to find my brush, to prepare my hand...and most of all I try to find myself...
I do feel some part of me, not one in particular, remained at Sovata, still waiting for a bus to come and get it...and the bus-driver is me..shhhh i don't have a driver's license yet..I close my eyes and I remember me...I;m just waiting there and step by step, I come home to meet myself...
It feels as if I met somebody new there, with great adaptability but also with weaknesess...it has made me happy, it has made me sad...it brought me a lot of satisfaction but also a feeling of disaproval of what I am regarding certain points..it's quite funny the way one can see himself from another corner of the room..just escaping from its body and sitting there, on a chair in the shadow, and watching...tic-tac... watching ..trying to build a memory of me...
I have met a lot of people, I felt wonderful giving and receiving hugs...it felt good to cry and release all that tension and obscure feelings, all that opposite feelings, all that fear...fear of not knowing yourself as u thought u had, fear of changing, fear of interacting and sharing...man, I say I am all grown up and look at me, experiencing all this in just one week..quite amazing...but it felt Freaking goooood...
a she asked at one point "how did u feel"..so I said.."I felt myself"...although still confused about that blank I still need to fill in, mostly I discovered someone sleeping inside me...and now it's coming back to life...
Peace, love and music I used to say at lts to describe @..and now I feel it is quite like that...
People who DO look into your eyes while u talk to them, who do not interrupt u while sharing that fragile piece u hold so tight deep insight, beautiful people who can still listen to your emotional "ventilation" at 6 o'clock in the morning, after a non-sleep night..now isn't that overwhelming.?I wonder cause this has rarely ever happened to me...
shall night come, shall no one knock at my door, shall they forget ...I feel it doesn't quite matters cause tonight I'm sleeping with myself!

2 comments:

Yas V said...

You're a very talented writer. I like the way you can express your emotions like that in the way that you do.

I have tried expressing myself in such ways but its a lot easier said than done. : )

Milishor said...

:) everyone is talented inside, I think, because it is given by the unique feelings we have and the wonderful point of view we all have when we see the same thing,but have different reactions...these days I find it is a lot easier for me to feel than to express what I feel. Depends on ... on what, I don't know:)